We chop down Christmas trees, leaving the roots behind, to symbolize St. Claudia, who was chopped in half to save Christmas from the corporations. She failed.
People who prefer their old DVDs over new-fangled Blu-Ray players are making the same choice Jews have made about Jesus for centuries.
Before Twitter, the only people who competed for followers were cult leaders.
If you're worried about spending too much on Christmas decorations, you're probably Jewish.
I love Christmas trees because they're fun, festive, and increase the risk of me dying in a fire by 80,000%.
Why are do all Christmas stockings look like they're for people with enormous cankles?
If you're good you get candy, and if you're bad you'll get a lump of coal. So bad kids get to keep warm, and good kids get diabetes.
Bad kids used to get a lump of coal, reinforcing the evils of fossil fuel dependency.
Stockings appear two places in the our culture. 1. Above the fireplace at Christmas. 2. In a sex outfit.
Some Christmases, when Santa's really not in the mood, he stares off the side of that first roof and thinks about jumping.
If we all put a tiny bit of poison in Santa's milk, we could kill him and they'd never trace it to any one of us.
Santa's not coming this year, Timmy. After years of inhaling soot in people's chimneys, Santa has mesothelioma.
Sing it with me: He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. He's a stalker.
Next time you hear the song "Santa Claus is comin' to town," sing the lyrics "Santa Claus is cumming on clowns."
Frosty the Snowman is also the name of my favorite coke dealer.
I'm pretty sure these days Google knows more about me than Santa Claus.
This week McDonald's will release its Christmas-themed menu, featuring Holiday Pie with red and green sprinkles, a the McCafe Peppermint Latte, and a special new sandwich called the McReindeer. What's so great about the McReindeer? It's made of Reindeer. What tasty condiments will you put on Dasher, on Dancer, on Donner and on Blitzen?
