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Hey. You there. My representation is at Brillstein Entertainment Partners. His name is Todd Sellers. 310·275·6135 Office stuff. 9150 Wilshire Blvd · Suite 350 Beverly Hills, CA · 90212

Christmas Trees

We chop down Christmas trees, leaving the roots behind, to symbolize St. Claudia, who was chopped in half to save Christmas from the corporations. She failed.

People who prefer their old DVDs over new-fangled Blu-Ray players are making the same choice Jews have made about Jesus for centuries.

Before Twitter, the only people who competed for followers were cult leaders.

If you're worried about spending too much on Christmas decorations, you're probably Jewish.

I love Christmas trees because they're fun, festive, and increase the risk of me dying in a fire by 80,000%.

Why are do all Christmas stockings look like they're for people with enormous cankles?

If you're good you get candy, and if you're bad you'll get a lump of coal. So bad kids get to keep warm, and good kids get diabetes.

Bad kids used to get a lump of coal, reinforcing the evils of fossil fuel dependency.

Stockings appear two places in the our culture. 1. Above the fireplace at Christmas. 2. In a sex outfit.

Some Christmases, when Santa's really not in the mood, he stares off the side of that first roof and thinks about jumping.

If we all put a tiny bit of poison in Santa's milk, we could kill him and they'd never trace it to any one of us.

Santa's not coming this year, Timmy. After years of inhaling soot in people's chimneys, Santa has mesothelioma.

Sing it with me: He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. He's a stalker.

Next time you hear the song "Santa Claus is comin' to town," sing the lyrics "Santa Claus is cumming on clowns."

Frosty the Snowman is also the name of my favorite coke dealer.

I'm pretty sure these days Google knows more about me than Santa Claus.

This week McDonald's will release its Christmas-themed menu, featuring Holiday Pie with red and green sprinkles, a the McCafe Peppermint Latte, and a special new sandwich called the McReindeer. What's so great about the McReindeer? It's made of Reindeer. What tasty condiments will you put on Dasher, on Dancer, on Donner and on Blitzen?

VVFS Notes for this week. . .

Working on this week's Viral Video Film School. Jotted down the notes, then noticed just what a strange job I have. I also guarantee you that if I lost this pad, I would have gotten a little pissed off.

Gone with the Wind is weirder than you thought

We remember Gone with the Wind as a classic of movie cinema, and it IS. But with its equestrian thru-line, fondness for slavery, and questionable sexual ethics, you might see it different if this movie came out today.

So we at the Rotten Tomatoes Show present Gone with the Wind: Thru Modern Eyes.



No means I don't give a damn.

B

YouTube's Biggest Showoffs, VVFS

I always like to describe my videos as surging. Or at least with a word with the "URG" sound in it, and I'm growing tired of and creeped out by "turgid". This video on HAULS, or people showing off the crap they just bought, has baffled me more than anything else I've ever covered, and it is definitely surging on these UTubes.



Official Blurb: Brett explores the ridiculous trend of shopping "Haul" videos on YouTube.

Viral Video Film School is a recurring segment on the weekly television show infoMania. In each episode of VVFS, Professor Brett Erlich teaches you valuable skills in the discipline of Viral Video making. So sit down, take notes, and try not to piss him off. For more Brett visit http://current.com/viral-video-film-s... and Current TV.

Next VIRAL VIDEO FILM SCHOOL is gonna be about Health Care. Then probably weird sexy fetishes. We're working hard on some good fresh nonsense.

B

Thinking...

Thinking of buying a V-neck tee.

Thinking...

Thinking of buying a Touareg. Say it! Touareg.

leguizamo

I hate him.

Featured on Huffington Post

I got featured on the Huffington Post! Pretty cool, right? I mean Ariana and I haven't had the customary conversation you're supposed to have with her, which is pretty much you staring at her, not understanding either what she's saying or why you want to badly to have sex with her, am I right ladies? But still it is an enormous honor to be featured on her site, man alive!

Here's the link. And here's the link
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brett-erlich/viral-video-film-school_b_108186.html

Claire Danes

I want to start a deep spiritual relationship with Claire Danes. I think she and I would get along. Is it the way she laughs in the movie Igby Goes Down? Is it the curl of her hair in the movie Igby Goes Down? No. It's whoever she played on My So Called Life, that show my friends watched and I vaguely knew about. And still know.



In order to start this relationship, I'd have to go back in time to find her, as she was, then. And since it's been less than 15 years since then, the task should be pretty easy. Easier, at least, than going back farther in time, because of how much extra stuff you have to bring when you go farther anywhere, especially in time. The further back you go the less likely it is you can follow the old adage, "If you forget something, they'll probably have it there." Rite Aid, for example, doesn't exist too far in the past, and thus, transitively, Thrifty Ice Creams, so bring plenty of that, along with the cylindrical scoop that made them so famous they went out of business. I guess what I'm trying to say is: "If you go back in time, a: Don't steal Claire Danes; she's mine, and b: make people buy more Thrifty Ice Cream."

But if I discover you're using that Ice Cream to woo Claire, man alive, I'll kill you with my hands. Whenever you are.

1995 Claire Danes symbolizes a better time. That's why we need her here.



We have A Claire Danes here now, but she's different. To put it in perspective, she stars in next year's ME AND ORSON WELLES, where she plays neither Me nor Orson Welles. Christian McCay (of RIOT AT THE RITE fame) plays Orson Welles, while the role of Me by all accounts went to Zach Efron from HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and VARIOUS OTHER SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE.

But really it's not Claire as a person. It's the idea of her character, whose name escapes me but whose essence nonetheless makes me feel safe, like a chicken locked in a safe.

Until I find a way to get to the idea of her incarnated, I'm gonna go to bed. Evenin'